Hole in My Heart

Well, friends, for one brief, glorious moment, I was dating someone. Shocking, right? It was all very exciting before it tanked and I had to be the one to end it because the guy wasn't confident enough to make a decision.

I absolutely had no desire to end the relationship, but the guy had gotten scared and suggested we "take a step back", which invariably led to me getting dragged along and waiting for him to make a decision. I couldn't take it anymore.

I am so sad that this relationship is over. It wasn't even super serious, but it was starting to get there. And even though he might not have realized it, I really had put a lot of myself out on the line. As you all know at this point, I'd never even been on a second date for this guy, let alone been in an actual relationship. It was incredibly difficult to convince myself that someone was actually interested in me, that some really did find me interesting and wanted to spend time with me. Now, however, I feel almost like a cruel joke has been played on me. Like one big "Just Kidding!' has been thrown right in my face.

It's so hard to go from expecting to hear from this person all the time and being so comfortable around them, to feeling like that person is now a stranger. There's an emptiness in my heart now in a place I didn't even know existed.

The break up hit me especially hard this morning. I guess I'd been in denial the last few days. I had this lovely dream that I was sitting with this guy, just holding hands with my head on his shoulder like we used to do. I woke up and felt like something had been ripped out of my hands. The rest of today has been hard. Neither of my close friends in the ward were at church today, so I ended up sitting alone. Normally, I really don't mind sitting alone, but I could have used the distraction today.

Our Relief Society lesson today was on marriage, and it took all I had not to burst into tears throughout most of the lesson. In weeks past, I would daydream during lessons like that about the possibility of marrying this guy someday, and now I feel like that's slipped out of my hands and I've fallen back in my progression.

The good news is that, in between crying and eating ice cream, I'm really making an effort to improve my life. Deep down, I know that sitting around and crying doesn't do me any good. I'm finding that, unlike in the past where I would feel totally worthless and unloved, I'm mostly just feeling very disappointed. I have no desire whatsoever to date anyone else right now, but I don't necessarily feel like no one else will ever want to date me again. As much as this break-up has shaken me, I'm more sad than defeated.

I'm also noticing that I haven't doubted for one moment my Savior's love for me. You always hear about gaining a testimony to get you through the hard times when you are tempted, but I've found that it applies equally to when you are sad and disappointed. It would be so easy to slip into that feeling that no one loves me at all, but I know that that's just not true. I have felt my Savior's love for me too many times to even think He would lessen that love, whether through daily tender mercies, or the overwhelming peace I feel in His temples.

I will most likely be very upset for several more days, if not longer. It's hard to develop feelings like that and then have to just cut them off, but I have the Atonement to get me through. So I can do this.