I like to read my patriarchal blessing every month or so. It reminds me of the blessings that the Lord is willing to give me, and helps me stay motivated to choose the right.
There's a paragraph in the blessing that I recently had new insight on. It stresses the importance of dating worthy young men, and that my final choice is someone of the same faith as me. When I first received my blessing, I was confused. I was just out of high school and had never dated much, but had always been determined to marry a worthy returned missionary. I was confused further when the patriarch told me how strongly he felt about that part of the blessing, and asked if that was something that I struggled with. I told him no.
Over the next few years, I continued to be confused, but I was told that different parts of my blessing would be fulfilled throughout my life. I tried not to think too hard about it, though it sometimes felt like a slap in the face to be warned against poor dating choices when I wasn't dating at all. It was that perspective that led me to my first conclusion that this was a warning against desperation. As I got older and remained single, I would need to remember that it was better to remain unwed than to date someone who could not take me to the temple and be an example to me and my children.
This was my take on this paragraph for a few years, until a couple of weeks ago. I read this particular paragraph, and it suddenly occurred to me that, yes, I should avoid the kind of desperation that would lead to a poor choice, but also that such a man could very well exist, and if I was looking for him, I would definitely find him, even if it takes me until the next life to do so.
I tried to keep this in mind, but as anyone can tell from reading this blog, I have definite highs and lows in my feelings on dating. The other night, I made a joke to a friend about going off to Timbuktu to live near a mosque and wear a burka (if that's culturally inaccurate or offensive in any way, I'm terribly sorry; the idea was just that I wanted to leave this whole dating culture behind and live out my days in celibacy). I was fairly low as I approached my scripture study that night. I read 1 Nephi, chapter 3, verse 7: "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he hath commanded them".
I finished reading and texted my friend: "I just read my scriptures, and it turns out I need to have more faith in this whole dating thing. I guess the burkas are out."
This, I feel, must be a particularly strong faith, as I have absolutely no faith in finding a husband when left to my own devices. The idea that a man could love me in that way is as foreign as it is unfathomable. Please don't misunderstand me. I truly don't find myself unlovable in any way. I feel that I have a fairly positive view of myself; I'm just never the one that gets noticed. I'm nearly always the friend of the girl that all the guys love, and even if guys are laughing at my jokes and telling me I'm smart and dressed so nicely, they never ask me out.
But though I fully doubt myself, I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. The Lord has commanded us to marry, and I fully intend to obey that commandment. So I will continue what am well aware are feeble attempts. I will continue to listen to the suggestions that friends and family give that show how little they truly know my shy character with men. I will try to be a little more outgoing every day (I'm slowly getting better), and even though everyone tells me it's not enough (which invariably tries to translate itself into my brain as "I am not enough"), the Lord knows that I am trying so hard. He knows that what everyone else sees as pathetic attempts to put myself out there is really a Herculean effort that leaves me shaking and wondering if I've made a fool of myself. He knows how hard this is for me, and that I why I have faith that He will continue to help me. I have felt the power of my Savior's Atonement in this area of my life. I know that He has felt the pain of rejection, of shyness, of feeling unnoticed. He knows it all, and I have faith in Him.
I hope this blog is helpful to someone who reads it. I know it's not necessarily the most positive thing you could be reading, but I especially want the single sisters my age to know that they are not alone, that someone else feels the pain of loneliness under the facade of being completely happy. You are not the only one who recognizes the distinct difference between being not being lonely just because you are single and might be living alone, and being so lonely when anything related to marriage comes up.
I want anyone who finds herself in that situation to know that the Lord is there for her, and that He knows what He's doing. Just keep going.
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