Finally.

Through all the past months of weeping and wailing over the loss of my ex, I always knew, in the back of my mind, that I would have a much easier time getting over him when he started dating someone new. Despite knowing this, I would frequently plead with my Heavenly Father to keep him from dating anyone else; I didn't think I was ready to move on. I couldn't let go yet.

About a week ago, I hit an especially low point and finally told Him that I was ready for the ex to be dating someone. I knew that it had to be done, or I would continue in misery for a long time. Just like that, a few days ago, I found out that the ex was dating someone. I was sick to my stomach for a whole day, but then I started to heal. I knew from that moment that the time had come to move on.

The night that I found out, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was sitting in a small group, having an informal gospel discussion with President Uchtdorf. He asked us why it was that we so often put off the blessings that the Savior is willing to give us. The people around me gave the primary answers: not enough faith, pride. I raised my hand and, tears in my eyes and throat constricted, I stated that sometimes we believe the pain that we are in is better than the blessings that await us. We equate the pain we are wallowing in with staying close to something that we have lost, and we don't understand that Christ is just waiting for us to let go and accept what He has waiting for us.

It's like that story of the little girl and the pearls. The girl had saved up her money to buy a string of pearls from the corner store. Even though they weren't real, the little girl loved them. They were her prized possession. One night, her father came into her room and asked her if she loved him. She responded that she did. He asked her to give him her pearls. She told him that she couldn't possibly give him her pearls, and her father didn't argue, but left quietly.

This happened for the next two nights. On the third night, the girl was crying when her father came in. She told him she loved him, and that he could have her pearls. The father took the pearls from his daughter, and handed her a beautiful velvet case. Inside the case lay a string of real pearls. All the little girl had to do was give up what seemed so precious for something infinitely more dear.

We all have moments like this girl. We can become so blinded that we aren't willing to give up something fake and temporary for something genuine and eternal. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for us to give up the foolish things in our lives so he can give us blessings beyond measure. He will wait patiently while we learn our lesson, waiting for us to listen to the Spirit and reach out to Him.

I'm not saying that I've been foolish this whole time. I honestly don't think I was ready until a month or so ago. But I should have listened to the Spirit sooner and taken action. Life is too short to latch on to unnecessary pain when there is so much joy available. I'm ready to feel that joy in my life, and to take on whatever comes next.

Still.....

Guys. It's been almost five months. FIVE MONTHS. And I still can't get this guy out of my head. There is something that reminds me of him every single day. We just had so much in common and shared so many of our likes that my head is just full of him. I can't even put into words how pathetic I feel, and how ashamed I am of not being able to move on. The way he left things makes me feel that no one will ever want to date me and I'm afraid to even make an attempt. I feel broken, and I hate that feeling.

I feel so foolish about this whole situation that if it weren't for the fact that blogging is cathartic for me, I wouldn't even be typing this. But I need to get my words out. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me; I just need a voice, even if it's a silent, anonymous voice.

So here's the uplifting part that I always hate to write but make myself do it anyway because it makes me feel better. My scripture reading last night was Moroni 7. Verse 11 reads, "For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water". I read that and realized that I am the bitter fountain. Not in the exact context of the scripture (it goes on to say that a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ), but in the sense that my life will never get better (bring forth good water) if I continue to be so mopey and focused on this one terrible thing (being the bitter fountain). I need to try harder. I need to be the person I am capable of being. I've been doing a few things that are helping me climb out of this hole, but it's not enough. I've been trying to make myself go to ward activities. I'm trying to talk to people and make friends. It's hard, but I'm trying. I don't want to be the bitter fountain. I don't want to sit in a hole with my memories. I want to stand in the sun and be the good fountain that brings forth good water. I want to be happy.

That's all. I don't really have any fancy wrapping up sentence to tie this all together. Just a list of wants that are really more like needs. Maybe someday I'll get there.

Two Month Checkup

Imagine that you were born with one arm. When you're young, everyone your age has only one arm, and you don't really consider the possibility of needing more than one arm, but as you enter adulthood, suddenly people around you start sprouting second arms left and right. You patiently wait your turn, but it never seems to come. People younger than you are getting their second arms. People you babysat years ago are getting their second arms. You start to wonder what you possibly could have done wrong for them to get their second arm before you.

Eventually, you learn a bit of patience and focus on your one arm. You realize that you are able to function quite well with just the one arm. Sure, a second arm would be great, but that's no reason to look down upon yourself for only having one arm. You frame your life around making the most of your one arm, rather than waiting around for life to start with a second arm.

Then one day, you find yourself with a second arm, and it's everything you'd hoped it would be. You finally have what you've wanted for so long. Life just seems so much greater with that second arm. You find that there's so much out there you were missing with just one arm. Everything is wonderful when you have a second arm. You love having two arms. You hope that you have two arms forever.

Sadly, all too soon you find yourself back to just one arm. At first, it's miserable. How can you be expected to go back to one arm after knowing how great it is to have a second arm? This must be some kind of mistake. There's a period of denial, when you think that maybe your second arm will come back, followed by the painful realization that you really are back to only one arm. You have this horrible, haunting ache where your arm used to be. You watch movies celebrating second arms and spend night after night crying as you mourn the loss of something you waited for your entire life.

After a while, even though you didn't think it was possible, you start to feel a little better. Instead of spending all your time moaning and groaning because you lost your second arm, you start to remember that life was pretty great with just the one arm. You're mostly not bitter, at least you almost never want to punch cuddling couples. You no longer have to fight tears during marriage and family lessons at church. You still have memories pop up or dreams about the lost arm, but they no longer control your day and your attitude. You're okay, mostly.

That's pretty much how I feel right now. To wrap things up, I'd like to share the phases of my breakup, illustrated by Christina Perri songs. These are the songs I listened to and identified with before, immediately after, and two months after the breakup.

One Month Later

Well, it's been one month since the break-up. I'm happy to report that I don't feel quite so gut-wrenchingly miserable...so that's good. I'm still pretty upset, though. And lonely. Not in a I-don't-have-any-friends-and-no-one-will-ever-want-to-date kind of way, but in an I-miss-him-so-much-that-I-don't-even-want-to-participate-in-anything-remotely-related-to-dating-anyone-else sort of way.

Ugh. The pain has subsided to a dull ache most of the time, but it reserves the right to flare up at any time when a memory pops up. At the same time, the memories are starting to fade, and in some ways it feels like it never happened. I honestly can't decide if that's good or not. On the one hand, it's definitely less painful to not remember everything, but on the other hand, it just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that all that wonderfulness should slip away into oblivion.

I'm also experiencing an outrageous level of bitterness, which is extremely annoying. I almost punched some guy at a stake activity just because he had his arm around his girlfriend and was stroking her shoulder. I have to restrain myself from making comments that are supposed to be funny, but just come out really terrible. Even I can tell that everyone is sick of it. If I were a regular girl who'd actually dated anyone else ever before, I would have bounced back by now, probably. I might be imagining it, but I feel like it's been so long that I'm annoying anyone who has to listen about me still complaining...which is mostly why I'm writing this post. So y'all can roll your eyes while reading this, if you like :)

So there it is. I'm plugging along, doing slightly better than expected, but at the same time, so much worse. I'd probably be better off if I didn't have all the stress from work and the terrible sleeping from the bad neighbors. I guess I'm going through a rough patch. But it's okay. Because I am strong! Because I am awesome! Someone bring me cake... I can be awesome and sad at the same time, right?

Exactly right. So I will march on.

Hole in My Heart

Well, friends, for one brief, glorious moment, I was dating someone. Shocking, right? It was all very exciting before it tanked and I had to be the one to end it because the guy wasn't confident enough to make a decision.

I absolutely had no desire to end the relationship, but the guy had gotten scared and suggested we "take a step back", which invariably led to me getting dragged along and waiting for him to make a decision. I couldn't take it anymore.

I am so sad that this relationship is over. It wasn't even super serious, but it was starting to get there. And even though he might not have realized it, I really had put a lot of myself out on the line. As you all know at this point, I'd never even been on a second date for this guy, let alone been in an actual relationship. It was incredibly difficult to convince myself that someone was actually interested in me, that some really did find me interesting and wanted to spend time with me. Now, however, I feel almost like a cruel joke has been played on me. Like one big "Just Kidding!' has been thrown right in my face.

It's so hard to go from expecting to hear from this person all the time and being so comfortable around them, to feeling like that person is now a stranger. There's an emptiness in my heart now in a place I didn't even know existed.

The break up hit me especially hard this morning. I guess I'd been in denial the last few days. I had this lovely dream that I was sitting with this guy, just holding hands with my head on his shoulder like we used to do. I woke up and felt like something had been ripped out of my hands. The rest of today has been hard. Neither of my close friends in the ward were at church today, so I ended up sitting alone. Normally, I really don't mind sitting alone, but I could have used the distraction today.

Our Relief Society lesson today was on marriage, and it took all I had not to burst into tears throughout most of the lesson. In weeks past, I would daydream during lessons like that about the possibility of marrying this guy someday, and now I feel like that's slipped out of my hands and I've fallen back in my progression.

The good news is that, in between crying and eating ice cream, I'm really making an effort to improve my life. Deep down, I know that sitting around and crying doesn't do me any good. I'm finding that, unlike in the past where I would feel totally worthless and unloved, I'm mostly just feeling very disappointed. I have no desire whatsoever to date anyone else right now, but I don't necessarily feel like no one else will ever want to date me again. As much as this break-up has shaken me, I'm more sad than defeated.

I'm also noticing that I haven't doubted for one moment my Savior's love for me. You always hear about gaining a testimony to get you through the hard times when you are tempted, but I've found that it applies equally to when you are sad and disappointed. It would be so easy to slip into that feeling that no one loves me at all, but I know that that's just not true. I have felt my Savior's love for me too many times to even think He would lessen that love, whether through daily tender mercies, or the overwhelming peace I feel in His temples.

I will most likely be very upset for several more days, if not longer. It's hard to develop feelings like that and then have to just cut them off, but I have the Atonement to get me through. So I can do this.