Guys. It's been almost five months. FIVE MONTHS. And I still can't get this guy out of my head. There is something that reminds me of him every single day. We just had so much in common and shared so many of our likes that my head is just full of him. I can't even put into words how pathetic I feel, and how ashamed I am of not being able to move on. The way he left things makes me feel that no one will ever want to date me and I'm afraid to even make an attempt. I feel broken, and I hate that feeling.
I feel so foolish about this whole situation that if it weren't for the fact that blogging is cathartic for me, I wouldn't even be typing this. But I need to get my words out. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me; I just need a voice, even if it's a silent, anonymous voice.
So here's the uplifting part that I always hate to write but make myself do it anyway because it makes me feel better. My scripture reading last night was Moroni 7. Verse 11 reads, "For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water". I read that and realized that I am the bitter fountain. Not in the exact context of the scripture (it goes on to say that a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ), but in the sense that my life will never get better (bring forth good water) if I continue to be so mopey and focused on this one terrible thing (being the bitter fountain). I need to try harder. I need to be the person I am capable of being. I've been doing a few things that are helping me climb out of this hole, but it's not enough. I've been trying to make myself go to ward activities. I'm trying to talk to people and make friends. It's hard, but I'm trying. I don't want to be the bitter fountain. I don't want to sit in a hole with my memories. I want to stand in the sun and be the good fountain that brings forth good water. I want to be happy.
That's all. I don't really have any fancy wrapping up sentence to tie this all together. Just a list of wants that are really more like needs. Maybe someday I'll get there.
1 comment:
I just wanted to leave a note to say that I totally relate. Thanks for writing. Our situations are different (we were never officially a "couple," and I'm not even 100% sure whether we were dating or just happened to like doing the same odd things and so ended up going places alone together), but the whole "it's been so long and I can't get over it, I must be pathetic" feeling is something I've been struggling with lately.
I also totally get being reminded by everything. I can't even eat ice cream without thinking about him, which really sucks, because ICE CREAM IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THINGS BETTER NOT WORSE!!!!!
I have to tell myself every day that, yes, things ended differently than I'd want them to, but it doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It doesn't mean I'm not lovable. The fact that anything happened at all says that someone saw me as a worthwhile person.
Dating stinks. It stinks to be rejected. It stinks to put effort into a friendship/flirtationship/relationship, to learn to count on someone, and then have it all go away just because they/you decide it's not good enough for eternity (or life depending on your religion).
Anyway, sorry for the long comment, but thanks for the reminder that wallowing isn't the right thing to do. If you ever feel the need to vent to an actual person rather than the vague concept of cyberspace, feel free to facebook/text/call me.
We can vent to each other so that we don't annoy all of our irritatingly well adjusted, dating savvy (comparatively), emotionally mature friends.
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