I don't even need contacts! Why the blindness?

I am so tired of blind dates. Well, I should probably rephrase that. I am so tired of only ever going on blind dates. I'm well aware that many people have met their husbands or wives on blind dates. I'm just really, really sick of blind dates being the only dates I ever go on.

These feelings were stirred up after work today when I turned my phone on after received a text from my sister-in law, telling me that she gave my number to their neighbors' brother that she's been trying to set me up with for months. This caused some initial blueness as I reflected that the only dates I seem to get are blind dates, but the real trouble started when I mentioned this to my mother and she replied that my aunt also had a young gentleman lined up for me. In fact, she had called my mom just the other day to see if I would be attending a family activity this weekend, so she could come up with a plan to get us to meet (for the record, I will not be attending that activity due to work).

That sort of put the nail on the coffin, so to speak. I know I complain about this all the time, but I would really like to discover someday how it feels to actually be asked out by a guy. I would like for a nice young man to decide, of his own accord, that he would like to take me on a date, and then ask me out. That is all. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so. I have yet to meet one man in my entire life who has expressed a desire to go out with me. That sounds rather sad, I suppose.

In addition, I don't particularly enjoy being the girl that everyone feels the need to set up. "Hey, you know how you're 26 and single? You're obviously perfect for this guy I know who is also 26 and also single." Compatibility is not based on being two single people who have reached the age of being a menace to society. That is all.

Here is the sad irony: no matter how sick I am of all these double dates, I must continue going on them. I'm clearly incapable of getting my own dates, and who knows? I could actually meet my future eternal companion on a blind date. I really should not be abusive of the blind date. I suppose I'm just tired of the connotations of being the girl who only goes on blind dates.

Grrrr. Well, oh well. Thanks, friends, for reading my little rant.

To Boldly Go Where I've Never Gone Before...

So....it's been a really long time since the last time I blogged. I apologize. Life's been a little crazy, plus I have this habit of thinking of things to write about right as I should be going to bed and the desire to write just isn't there the next day.

I've made some major strides in my life lately. I've started at a great new job and I have an apartment lined up (no more living at my parents!), and I've come to realize over the past few days that the next step is...dating....and (eventually) marriage. This is something that, honestly, I've been avoiding for a next time. Never really on purpose, but it's definitely something I've ignored or made excuses over. I've always had something to hide behind: school, but more recently the shame of living at my parents' house after graduation and the shame (and ridiculous schedule) of working at my college job after graduation.

This sort of segues into my next fear of dating: I am a horrible date. It was especially bad when I was still in the sad place of a month ago. I knew exactly where I was in life and had all sorts of plans and theories that made perfect sense to me but didn't seem like anyone else would understand. As a result, I was incredibly self-deprecating, which I'm sure wasn't very exciting for the poor boy. Also, I tend to be a little weird. In real life, the weird mixes in with the normal and I become likably quirky. On a date, I'm scrambling to find things to say (as I tend to be deathly quiet around guys) and weird things inevitably come out. I feel like I'd have a better shot if I went out with a guy I actually knew a little bit, so he'd already know my personality. I suppose I'd have better experiences if I had more than one date where the guy had asked me out. That one time I'm pretty sure his mom suggested it...plus he's gay now. Mostly I have just been on blind dates, which are fine but don't do much for those not great with first impressions.

Here's the thing: I'm a wonderful person! I'm not being vain; I realize that I have shortcomings just like anybody, I just happen to also have a healthy dose of self-esteem. I'm intelligent, funny, a good listener, and I don't think I'm too bad to look at. I suppose the problem is two-fold: I'm not confident enough to be more outgoing with guys, but also no guy is willing to actually take the time to get to know me. And really, what incentive does he have? I'm quite awesome, but on the surface, I'm quiet (which apparently sends out this stuck-up vibe) and, by Utah standards, I'm old! Meanwhile, there are dozens of loud freshmen girls with personalities as deep as kiddie pools all over each and every guy. There's no need for them to try for a girl with actual depth. I'm like an aged cheddar at a Velveeta convention!

Just a little frustration. In truth, I'm hoping that the fact that I no longer have need for self-deprecation will help out my dating life. Of course, I still have to get dates, but, hey! Maybe all these new exciting things in my life will give me more confidence around guys. I hope. Anyway, there it is.

Never minds

I suppose it all started on New Year's Eve. I went to a fancy party with a couple of girls. For the most part, it was a lot of fun, getting all dressed up and watching other girls being asked to dance. The low moment came when I first saw a guy that I had liked for a very long time with the girlfriend I didn't know he had. I knew I had no right to be upset, as I hadn't even seen the guy for months, but I found myself unable to stop my eyes from tearing more than once. It was silly, but I knew at that sight that all the "What If?" moments I entertained myself with from time to time would never come to fruition. I chalked it up as closure, but my mind has been stretching itself beyond the specific to a general remembering of all the guys in my life that got away.

Since then, I haven't been able to get Adele's "Someone Like You" out of my head, specifically the line that says, "Never mind; I'll find someone like you". I've never thought much on it before, but never mind really is such a cruel little phrase; it's like you're using two little words to negate an entire history, as if it never actually happened, as if you regret every single moment spent on whatever it is that you're "never mind"ing.

I feel like there are so many "never mind"s in my life as of late: "I've met a guy in my ward that seems really nice and we have a lot in common. Maybe I'll try to talk to him. Never mind; he just spent all of ward prayer flirting with the same girl he sat by in Sacrament meeting" (and on that note, "I think I'll go to ward prayer tonight. I'm getting to know more people in my ward and I'm sure I won't have to sit awkwardly, not talking to anyone. Never mind; I went and felt like I'd shown up uninvited to a party. A grand total of three people acknowledged my existence, so I went home afterwards and cried"). "Hey, I think my boss and I are getting along better now. Never mind; she still uses her condescending tone and nature to show her disdain and complete lack of respect for me." "I'm sure there are plenty of jobs that I can apply for. Never mind; I'm officially qualified for nothing, save the job I currently have and hate."

Never minds are rough. The mere utterance of the phrase is like you're entirely giving up and giving yourself permission for an eternal pity party. Quite honestly, I'm forcing myself to write the next portion of this post, knowing full well that it's Satan who is tempting me to wallow in all these sad, sad, anti-progressive thoughts and emotions.

These are the times when I make myself remember all the times when someone didn't say "never mind", and how great the effect was. Abinadi didn't say "never mind" the first time he was thrown out of the city; he came back and preached the gospel, even though his mission ended with his martyrdom. Through Alma and subsequent prophets, Abinadi's teachings reached millions of people. Joseph Smith didn't say "never mind" after receiving the First Vision; he pushed on through unspeakable persecution to bring us the restored gospel and the Book of Mormon.

Most importantly, our Savior didn't say "never mind" when facing the Atonement. How grateful I am that He suffered for not only my sins, but my every pain and sorrow so that He would know exactly how I feel through every trial, including the very trial I am writing about now.

It seems so easy to say "never mind" and walk away from the hard things in life. It may bring temporary relief, but giving up is never going to permanently satisfy anyone. My Heavenly Father expects a lot from me in this life; it even says so in my patriarchal blessing. He would never say "never mind" to me; He knows what I'm capable of and knows that I have, or will develop, the strength and skills within me that I'll need to accomplish those things. How can I say "never mind" to Him when he has blessed me with so much?

Of course, writing about something is far different from developing an unwavering habit of positive thinking. I can guarantee that there will still be many tears and nights when everything seems so impossible. I can only pray that when these tears and sad nights come, instead of saying "never mind" and giving up, I will instead think to myself, "Well, that was rough, and I'm sad, but every experience is a chance to grow". I hope that I will be able to see the light a little sooner and spend a little less time moping. Moping never helps anyone.

Somewhere Out There...

...beneath the pale moon light... Okay, I couldn't help it :)

The other day, I had yet another go-around with that unseemly boy at work. I sort of feel bad for picking on him, but that's how it is. He said a few things that got me upset, and he noticed. He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I wasn't, but I told him this: I plan on marrying a certain kind of guy some day, and he just keeps reminding me that those guys are few and far between. He laughed and made a joke, and I laughed along; there really wasn't any point in staying upset about it.

This incident did get me to thinking, though: while growing up, little girls in Primary and Young Women are continuously told that when we grow up and get married, our husbands will be so glad that we worked so hard to uphold good standards. They say that keeping our virtue will be a huge blessing in our future marriages. These are the things that keep me going on the rough days. Sometimes it seems that the only available men are jerks with low standards. However, I know that somewhere out there, amidst the idiots, imbeciles, and downright scum, there is a genuinely good guy. He's not perfect, but he's good.

What I'm wondering is this: what did the boys hear when they were growing up? Did someone tell them how deeply the women they will marry will appreciate their upholding of good standards? Were they taught that in their adulthood, righteous women will be desperate for a worthy priesthood holder who still adheres to the principles taught in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet? Did some wise teacher warn them that the "good guys" will be few and far between by the time they reach the age to marry? I certainly hope so.

I also wonder this: while the good, single girls of the world sit around and wonder where the good guys are, do the good, single boys of the world ask the same question? Are there guys out there that feel like the world is full of girls who claim to have strong testimonies, but parade around in immodest clothing and make out with a new guy every night? I know that my lack of experience means I know next to nothing about guys, but it seems that this would be something that good guys who seriously want to find a wife think about. I have to believe that the kind of man I want to marry is out there, desperately seeking the kind of girl I am.

Just a wondering I had. I'll leave you with a song, which I'm starting to enjoy doing on these  posts.