To Boldly Go Where I've Never Gone Before...

So....it's been a really long time since the last time I blogged. I apologize. Life's been a little crazy, plus I have this habit of thinking of things to write about right as I should be going to bed and the desire to write just isn't there the next day.

I've made some major strides in my life lately. I've started at a great new job and I have an apartment lined up (no more living at my parents!), and I've come to realize over the past few days that the next step is...dating....and (eventually) marriage. This is something that, honestly, I've been avoiding for a next time. Never really on purpose, but it's definitely something I've ignored or made excuses over. I've always had something to hide behind: school, but more recently the shame of living at my parents' house after graduation and the shame (and ridiculous schedule) of working at my college job after graduation.

This sort of segues into my next fear of dating: I am a horrible date. It was especially bad when I was still in the sad place of a month ago. I knew exactly where I was in life and had all sorts of plans and theories that made perfect sense to me but didn't seem like anyone else would understand. As a result, I was incredibly self-deprecating, which I'm sure wasn't very exciting for the poor boy. Also, I tend to be a little weird. In real life, the weird mixes in with the normal and I become likably quirky. On a date, I'm scrambling to find things to say (as I tend to be deathly quiet around guys) and weird things inevitably come out. I feel like I'd have a better shot if I went out with a guy I actually knew a little bit, so he'd already know my personality. I suppose I'd have better experiences if I had more than one date where the guy had asked me out. That one time I'm pretty sure his mom suggested it...plus he's gay now. Mostly I have just been on blind dates, which are fine but don't do much for those not great with first impressions.

Here's the thing: I'm a wonderful person! I'm not being vain; I realize that I have shortcomings just like anybody, I just happen to also have a healthy dose of self-esteem. I'm intelligent, funny, a good listener, and I don't think I'm too bad to look at. I suppose the problem is two-fold: I'm not confident enough to be more outgoing with guys, but also no guy is willing to actually take the time to get to know me. And really, what incentive does he have? I'm quite awesome, but on the surface, I'm quiet (which apparently sends out this stuck-up vibe) and, by Utah standards, I'm old! Meanwhile, there are dozens of loud freshmen girls with personalities as deep as kiddie pools all over each and every guy. There's no need for them to try for a girl with actual depth. I'm like an aged cheddar at a Velveeta convention!

Just a little frustration. In truth, I'm hoping that the fact that I no longer have need for self-deprecation will help out my dating life. Of course, I still have to get dates, but, hey! Maybe all these new exciting things in my life will give me more confidence around guys. I hope. Anyway, there it is.