Not What I Expected

***I started this post a few weeks ago, but it continues to speak to my feelings and is a good example of my anxiety, so I decided to finish it up tonight***



I have become someone that I never wanted to be.

Now, I didn't say that I've become someone I don't want to be, or that I don't like the person I have become. Simply that the person I am today is never something I wanted when I was growing up or in early adulthood.

The only career I ever wanted for my myself was to be a stay at home mom. It's still something I wish for so dearly. And I know that circumstances don't always work out that way. I know that it's frequent that the mother must work in order to help support the household. I'm aware that this is an ideal, but it's still something I've always wanted.

As I went to college and had to choose a field of study, I realized that there wasn't anything in particular that I wanted to do. I picked a major that I enjoyed, but didn't really push me in a particular direction, and the post-college job search was difficult as a result. I just wanted a job that I enjoyed and treated me well.

Now, all these years later, I've reached a really great place in my career. I somehow managed to find myself in management. It wasn't something I had planned, but my skills and interests turned out to line up with leading people. For the most part, I really love my job. And when I'm at work, I'm 100% committed to doing the best job I can and looking for promotions. When one is available, I am all over it. I am confident that I could do well and that it would be a great change and wonderful advancement in my career plan.

At home, however, it's a completely different story. No matter how confident I am at work about what I'm doing, I tend to fall into a panic trap over moving too fast or just not wanting to do the job. It's especially bad now, as I've currently been promoted. Things calm down a bit once I've gotten used to the change and I'm more confident, but any talk of career advancement turns into panic once I'm home. Every promotion reminds me that I'm not in the career that I truly want, and that somehow equates into kicking and screaming all the way to the day of the interview. As if not getting a promotion will somehow get me married off faster.

I do feel that there's a bit of truth in that, though. As I grow as a leader, as a "career woman", I feel like I'm getting more out of touch with the dating world. Rather than having more confidence in talking to guys, I just feel more awkward because I have less interaction with peers and definitely no flirting opportunities at work. Plus, the more I advance, the more independent I become. That, combined with the intimidation factor I always have to deal with, makes me feel like most guys just go running. This is especially rough because I come home from work with my head full and I just wish someone was there to let it all out to. I crave the companionship of marriage that seems to so fully elude me.

One trick I've learned in dealing with my anxiety is to think about how I feel in different situations. I remind myself of all those confident feelings I had at work. I know that generally, any panicked thoughts I have at home are the result of letting myself dwell on fantasies and what ifs, not the result of rational thought. It helps, but it still makes Sunday nights rough sometime, knowing I have to go into work the next day and not feeling fully prepared.

The good news is that I know the newness of my position is what makes this so rough. I just have to give it time to settle in and get things figured out. I have to let the rational side of my brain take hold more often to remind me that I need to look at the big picture. I am an independent woman, and that's good. I've come a long way from the timid little girl that I once was. I tackle challenges that many people would shy away from, and I have to remember that my strength is one of the most important things that I have built in my life.

I'm working on it :)