The Tale of an Awkward Date, and What I Learned from it

**What you are about to read does not paint me in the best light. Please understand that I am communicating my honest feelings at this time. I'm not perfect; I know that some of my feelings were not kind. I'm hoping that this is a safe space where I can share my deepest emotions**

My stake recently started up a matchmaking program. We all filled out papers with our best features and things we're looking for in a date, and then checked a box authorizing the Relief Society to find us dates. It's the sort of thing that's totally out of my comfort zone, but I figured I might as well, since I never date (still haven't been on a date since the fiasco a year ago).

So I went forward with faith, and when the day came to receive our matches, I was really excited. I looked at the names and wondered at the possibilities. One of the sisters on the committee stressed that a lot of prayer had gone into choosing these matches. They had even attended the temple during the decision making. Excitement quickly turned into dread, however, as I looked at the profile of one of the guys, and the dread grew when I went home and Facebook stalked him (let's be honest; we all do that). It was apparent that this guy was not my type at all. I don't know how to communicate this without sounding super judgey, but I could that he just wasn't at my intellectual level.

I was devastated. I had stepped outside my cozy little bubble to try something new, and it looked like I had been assigned a pity date. Again (a similar thing had happened to me the last time the stake set up blind dates). I was sure that there were a wide variety of guys that signed up, and not all guys would be everyone's type. My thought was that someone had to go on dates with guys that might not match up with girls. It's the type of situation you can't really avoid, but it was hard for me because I'd really hoped to meet someone that could become something more.

I had just started to get frustrated and wanting to write off the whole thing when I remembered the sister informing us that the committee had really prayed about these matches and a worse thought came to my mind. Maybe this guy was a good match for me. Maybe I've had too high of an opinion of myself for all these years and Heavenly Father was trying to kick me down a few notches. I started to think that I'd been so vain all these years to think I could be a match for the type of guy I'd always hoped for. Was this why I never dated anyone? Was this why guys never give me a second look? Could it be that I'm just as weird as the people I have always shied away from in social situations?

I sat through the CES fireside at the church that night, holding back the tears as all of this stormed in my head. I went home and sobbed, alternating between feeling like a horrible person for judging my match, and feeling so foolish, questioning anything I'd ever felt confident about in my personality and appearance.

Of course, my match had also gotten me and called and texted me to arrange a date. After a lengthy, awkward text conversation full of small talk, we set up a date. He didn't have a car, so I would be meeting him at his house. I spent the whole day feeling sick. I spent the whole week feeling like a horrible person for all the thoughts I was having, still feeling the ache of lost self-esteem.

Eventually (with the help of friends) I shifted my focus. There had to be a reason for this match. I decided the reason was probably to teach me a lesson about judging people. I spent the rest of the week trying to be open-minded, but still dreading the date, which was almost certain to be horribly awkward.

The night of the date came. I drove over to his apartment, and we had our date there. It was terribly awkward and very poorly planned, and after two hours, I said I needed to go home and headed back to my car, happy to be done with two very awkward hours. It was over, and I hadn't died. I remember thinking maybe that was my lesson, to not take everything so seriously and to just be a nicer person.

As I sent a report text to a few friends, I reflected on the night, remembering all the details. I kept coming back to a moment when he was cooking dinner. He stopped, turned to look at me, and said "You know, you are really cute" with a fair amount of enthusiasm. I felt terribly awkward, as it had been quite a compliment from an awkward date. I hadn't known how to respond besides a "thank you". I realized that no man (besides maybe my dad) had ever given me a compliment of that nature. I've never been told that I was even remotely decent looking. I've gotten the odd compliments from girls (one woman I knew at a previous job made several comments about how good my skin was), but I've never had a guy tell me I was cute.

In hindsight, I was blown away. It was delivered in an incredibly awkward situation, but it was genuine. I started to think that maybe I wasn't a hideous, dim-witted human being. I started to hope again that the kind of man I want would want the kind of girl I am. This awkward young man gave me back a flicker of hope that maybe someday, I'll be able to find that eternal companion. And that small flicker made an incredibly rough week worth the pain.