Guys. It's been almost five months. FIVE MONTHS. And I still can't get this guy out of my head. There is something that reminds me of him every single day. We just had so much in common and shared so many of our likes that my head is just full of him. I can't even put into words how pathetic I feel, and how ashamed I am of not being able to move on. The way he left things makes me feel that no one will ever want to date me and I'm afraid to even make an attempt. I feel broken, and I hate that feeling.
I feel so foolish about this whole situation that if it weren't for the fact that blogging is cathartic for me, I wouldn't even be typing this. But I need to get my words out. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me; I just need a voice, even if it's a silent, anonymous voice.
So here's the uplifting part that I always hate to write but make myself do it anyway because it makes me feel better. My scripture reading last night was Moroni 7. Verse 11 reads, "For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water". I read that and realized that I am the bitter fountain. Not in the exact context of the scripture (it goes on to say that a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ), but in the sense that my life will never get better (bring forth good water) if I continue to be so mopey and focused on this one terrible thing (being the bitter fountain). I need to try harder. I need to be the person I am capable of being. I've been doing a few things that are helping me climb out of this hole, but it's not enough. I've been trying to make myself go to ward activities. I'm trying to talk to people and make friends. It's hard, but I'm trying. I don't want to be the bitter fountain. I don't want to sit in a hole with my memories. I want to stand in the sun and be the good fountain that brings forth good water. I want to be happy.
That's all. I don't really have any fancy wrapping up sentence to tie this all together. Just a list of wants that are really more like needs. Maybe someday I'll get there.
