Faith in the Face of Doubt

I like to read my patriarchal blessing every month or so. It reminds me of the blessings that the Lord is willing to give me, and helps me stay motivated to choose the right.

There's a paragraph in the blessing that I recently had new insight on. It stresses the importance of dating worthy young men, and that my final choice is someone of the same faith as me. When I first received my blessing, I was confused. I was just out of high school and had never dated much, but had always been determined to marry a worthy returned missionary. I was confused further when the patriarch told me how strongly he felt about that part of the blessing, and asked if that was something that I struggled with. I told him no.

Over the next few years, I continued to be confused, but I was told that different parts of my blessing would be fulfilled throughout my life. I tried not to think too hard about it, though it sometimes felt like a slap in the face to be warned against poor dating choices when I wasn't dating at all. It was that perspective that led me to my first conclusion that this was a warning against desperation. As I got older and remained single, I would need to remember that it was better to remain unwed than to date someone who could not take me to the temple and be an example to me and my children.

This was my take on this paragraph for a few years, until a couple of weeks ago. I read this particular paragraph, and it suddenly occurred to me that, yes, I should avoid the kind of desperation that would lead to a poor choice, but also that such a man could very well exist, and if I was looking for him, I would definitely find him, even if it takes me until the next life to do so.

I tried to keep this in mind, but as anyone can tell from reading this blog, I have definite highs and lows in my feelings on dating. The other night, I made a joke to a friend about going off to Timbuktu to live near a mosque and wear a burka (if that's culturally inaccurate or offensive in any way, I'm terribly sorry; the idea was just that I wanted to leave this whole dating culture behind and live out my days in celibacy). I was fairly low as I approached my scripture study that night. I read 1 Nephi, chapter 3, verse 7: "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he hath commanded them".

I finished reading and texted my friend: "I just read my scriptures, and it turns out I need to have more faith in this whole dating thing. I guess the burkas are out."

This, I feel, must be a particularly strong faith, as I have absolutely no faith in finding a husband when left to my own devices. The idea that a man could love me in that way is as foreign as it is unfathomable. Please don't misunderstand me. I truly don't find myself unlovable in any way. I feel that I have a fairly positive view of myself; I'm just never the one that gets noticed. I'm nearly always the friend of the girl that all the guys love, and even if guys are laughing at my jokes and telling me I'm smart and dressed so nicely, they never ask me out.

But though I fully doubt myself, I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. The Lord has commanded us to marry, and I fully intend to obey that commandment. So I will continue what am well aware are feeble attempts. I will continue to listen to the suggestions that friends and family give that show how little they truly know my shy character with men. I will try to be a little more outgoing every day (I'm slowly getting better), and even though everyone tells me it's not enough (which invariably tries to translate itself into my brain as "I am not enough"), the Lord knows that I am trying so hard. He knows that what everyone else sees as pathetic attempts to put myself out there is really a Herculean effort that leaves me shaking and wondering if I've made a fool of myself. He knows how hard this is for me, and that I why I have faith that He will continue to help me. I have felt the power of my Savior's Atonement in this area of my life. I know that He has felt the pain of rejection, of shyness, of feeling unnoticed. He knows it all, and I have faith in Him.

I hope this blog is helpful to someone who reads it. I know it's not necessarily the most positive thing you could be reading, but I especially want the single sisters my age to know that they are not alone, that someone else feels the pain of loneliness under the facade of being completely happy. You are not the only one who recognizes the distinct difference between being not being lonely just because you are single and might be living alone, and being so lonely when anything related to marriage comes up.

I want anyone who finds herself in that situation to know that the Lord is there for her, and that He knows what He's doing. Just keep going.

On Being "Intimidating"

I've been told before that I'm intimidating, but I've always laughed it off. I mean, I can kind of see it, but at the end of the day, I'm just me. Don't get me wrong; I'm aware of my value, but I've never seen it as enough to be off-putting.

Yesterday, it went to a new level.  I found out that twice in the last month, two different friends have suggested to two different guys that they ask me out. They both remarked, almost verbatim, that they were surprised and honored that my friend would think them on the same level as me. Apparently, my "intimidation" has reached the point where I'm not even considered as a dating possibility. I know I should be flattered, but it really almost crushed me. What am I supposed to do to make myself less intimidating? It bugged me all day yesterday. I started pondering what I could do, and wondered if there was a way that I could show that I just make as many mistakes as anyone. That was a terrifying thought, though.

I discussed this with a friend last night, and realized that this is related to something that I've known about myself for a long time: I don't like to show weakness. It's very important to me to not let people know when I'm struggling. I don't like to ask for help. I can't stand letting anyone see me cry. This mostly centers around my family. My parents have so much to worry about anyway that I don't want to contribute my own problems. I've seen the pain that my mother goes through with her job, calling, and my other siblings. The last several years, I've gone into this mode where I have to be the "perfect" child. I don't want them to have one more child to worry about. I also have to be a strong example for my sister, who is in desperate need of positive influence in her life. I can't let her see me falter because she needs someone who she can lean on. 

I know that sounds crazy, but that's just who I am. Who I have become. Now I'm realizing that this complex has spread into other areas of my life. I've worked so hard to be strong for my family that I can't show my weaknesses to anyone, except a few close friends. I never imagined that this desperate need to be strong and confident could keep good, worthy young men from asking me out. I never in a million years wanted to become someone that anyone would feel unequal to.  I've known so many wonderful guys who seemed to be so self-deprecating around me and never understood. I feel terrible that I made anyone ever feel this way. 

I recently saw Frozen and was so struck by the story. This song especially:

I can't believe how well timed this song came into my life. I really feel for Elsa. I'm the older sister, desperate to protect my little sister and be the strong person that my family needs. Elsa been forced to hide herself to avoid causing physical harm to her sister. My heart ached every time little Anna called for Elsa outside her bedroom, and Elsa couldn't go with her. She becomes someone that is so...intimidating. It was almost chilling (okay, that was a bad pun) how much I identified with her.

But would it be so bad if they saw my weaknesses? If I admitted that I needed help or that I'm not perfect? I honestly don't know if I'm ready to let go of all that, but it's definitely something that I have to consider, now that I've been faced with all this new information. It's something I'll have to work on, and rely on the Lord to help me through.