I've been told before that I'm intimidating, but I've always laughed it off. I mean, I can kind of see it, but at the end of the day, I'm just me. Don't get me wrong; I'm aware of my value, but I've never seen it as enough to be off-putting.
Yesterday, it went to a new level. I found out that twice in the last month, two different friends have suggested to two different guys that they ask me out. They both remarked, almost verbatim, that they were surprised and honored that my friend would think them on the same level as me. Apparently, my "intimidation" has reached the point where I'm not even considered as a dating possibility. I know I should be flattered, but it really almost crushed me. What am I supposed to do to make myself less intimidating? It bugged me all day yesterday. I started pondering what I could do, and wondered if there was a way that I could show that I just make as many mistakes as anyone. That was a terrifying thought, though.
I discussed this with a friend last night, and realized that this is related to something that I've known about myself for a long time: I don't like to show weakness. It's very important to me to not let people know when I'm struggling. I don't like to ask for help. I can't stand letting anyone see me cry. This mostly centers around my family. My parents have so much to worry about anyway that I don't want to contribute my own problems. I've seen the pain that my mother goes through with her job, calling, and my other siblings. The last several years, I've gone into this mode where I have to be the "perfect" child. I don't want them to have one more child to worry about. I also have to be a strong example for my sister, who is in desperate need of positive influence in her life. I can't let her see me falter because she needs someone who she can lean on.
I know that sounds crazy, but that's just who I am. Who I have become. Now I'm realizing that this complex has spread into other areas of my life. I've worked so hard to be strong for my family that I can't show my weaknesses to anyone, except a few close friends. I never imagined that this desperate need to be strong and confident could keep good, worthy young men from asking me out. I never in a million years wanted to become someone that anyone would feel unequal to. I've known so many wonderful guys who seemed to be so self-deprecating around me and never understood. I feel terrible that I made anyone ever feel this way.
I recently saw Frozen and was so struck by the story. This song especially:
I can't believe how well timed this song came into my life. I really feel for Elsa. I'm the older sister, desperate to protect my little sister and be the strong person that my family needs. Elsa been forced to hide herself to avoid causing physical harm to her sister. My heart ached every time little Anna called for Elsa outside her bedroom, and Elsa couldn't go with her. She becomes someone that is so...intimidating. It was almost chilling (okay, that was a bad pun) how much I identified with her.
But would it be so bad if they saw my weaknesses? If I admitted that I needed help or that I'm not perfect? I honestly don't know if I'm ready to let go of all that, but it's definitely something that I have to consider, now that I've been faced with all this new information. It's something I'll have to work on, and rely on the Lord to help me through.
