December 27th Resolution

Despite being a self-described tradition junkie, I've never been a fan of New Year's resolutions. I know that some people do take the time to give their resolutions serious thought and see the new year as an opportunity for a new start, but it's never been something that rings true with me. If I realize I need to work on something, I resolve on it there; the date on which I do this has no influence on how likely I am to achieve my goal.

Having said that, I'd like to put forth a resolution of sorts that I decided on the other night: I need to learn to forgive. There are people in my life who have wronged me; in fact, some of these people continue to wrong me over and over again. It's really easy to become angry and rant about how horrible these people are, but it doesn't make me feel any better. As the saying goes, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Needless to say, this doesn't work (no matter how poetic William Blake may wax on the subject-or how much I like that poem). I've had actually physical problems because I'm unable to let things go. It's just not healthy.

I really feel that progression can be stalled when we haven't forgiven those who have wronged us. There's no better way to be stuck in the rut of the past than to hold a grudge. A grudge will tether you to one of the lowest points in your life and will keep you from moving on, and the cruel irony is that we are the ones that build and attach our own tethers. We are the ones who refuse to let go; no one is holding us there but ourselves.

Sometimes we don't even realize that we are holding ourselves back. I fully thought that I would be able to just get over one particular situation that I've discussed before. The start of my realization came from an unexpected source. My direct supervisor is not someone you would think of as spiritual if you don't know her well, though she was at one point a member of the church. After an unexpected bout of anxiety, she pointed out to me that being so affected after so long should warrant the use of fasting and prayer for assistance. I took her advice, and it was only then that I realized that I had yet to forgive this person. It seemed so simple, and yet so difficult. I haven't quite gotten there, but I think I've been making strides. It helps if I remind myself that this person is also a daughter of God, and that we all make mistakes. More importantly, if He is willing to forgive us, how much more should I, a sinner myself, forgive?

I can still sense a long road ahead, but I know that with continued prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance, I will receive help and inspiration to keep my resolution strong.

I know Christmas is over, but I think the message of this song, though not specifically concerning learning to forgive, is just beautiful. I've been listening to it on repeat while I typed this up.

Remember, He never said it would be easy; He only said it would be worth it.

Dear Aunts: I'm fine. I promise.

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I'm sort of dreading Thanksgiving this year. It recently came to my attention that out of the fifty or so grandkids in my family, I've managed to become "the spinster". There are a few single guys left (including my younger brother), but it's not the same and you know it :) Even my baby sister is in a long term relationship and is planning on marriage in the near-ish future.

As previously stated, I really am okay with still being single. Honest! The problem is that Thanksgiving this year is with my mom's side of the family, the side with the fifty grandkids. I just tend to feel awkward around all my cousins with their spouses and children and domesticity. "Look, I made this great salad!" "That's cool. I can't afford to move out of my parents' house, so I didn't get a food assignment. I'm going to go help my mom now..." Plus, I just can't help feeling like a third wheel when talking to my cousins, whose husbands are standing right there next to them.

The other problem is that, despite my insistence otherwise, my aunts all seem to assume that I'm secretly in the depths of despair over my single-ness. At the last family activity, three of my aunts regaled me with stories of girls they knew that didn't get married until they were thirty, or even older, in an attempt to instill hope into my sad, single heart. I know they just want me to be happy and are trying to help, but I can't help feeling like a child being consoled because I'm not tall enough to ride the roller coaster.

So there it is, my woe of the day. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone :)

I guess I need a new checklist...

It recently (and by recently, I mean last night) came to my attention that a former friend of mine will most likely be engaged very soon. This former friend and I parted ways several months ago as a result of rampant emotional abuse on her part. Since calling it quits on our friendship, I've noticed that her life actually seems to be going remarkably well (from an outside point of view, at least). I guess you always figure that the crazy person will be the one whose imperfections will eventually lead them down the road of misery, but she seems to have everything that I've had on my "Tangible Requirements for Ultimate Happiness" checklist. This includes, basically, a dream job, a boyfriend, and not living in my parents' house, all of which this former friend of mine has attained.

I started out by being a little bitter, but eventually I got to the point where I realized that even though I don't have all the things on my crazy little checklist, I'm actually really happy right now. On paper, my life seems like it would be really sad: I'm a college graduate stuck in the same job I've worked all through college, I'm as single as the day I was born, and, due to my financial situation, I'm back to bunking at my parents'. But there are so many other things I have that make me happy. I have a lot of really great friends that accept me for who I am and encourage me to be a better person without using harsh words or rolling eyes. I have a family that loves me and supports me. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, which gives me an eternal perspective. I have a recommend to enter the house of the Lord, which has been such a blessing in my life.

So, no, I don't have anything on the ol' checklist. I guess maybe I should concentrate on checking off things that I have now, rather than torturing myself over the things that I don't have. I know that I need to work on getting those things, but I also need to consider the Lord's timeline, and that He knows when the best time will be for me to get the things that I want, provided they're even the things that I need.

I'm suddenly reminded of a song from Michael McLean's "The Forgotten Carols" which I absolutely love. I can't seem to find this particular song on YouTube, and Google can't seem to find the official lyrics (I'm wondering if this song was added later to the stage version, and therefore isn't on the original album), so here are some of the lyrics as I remember them (sorry if they're not quite right):

All I ever wanted,
All I ever dreamed of,
Everything I hoped,
And all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle
To what I've been given.
I've been given what I need.

I love love love that song. The whole thing is just beautiful and I so wish I could have found it for you all to listen to, or at least read. Oh, well.

So there it is.

The Metaphorical Shady Side of Town

There's a guy that I work with that I'm not especially fond of.  He's not an altogether horrible person, but it seems like every time I work with him I discover another thing that I don't want in my future eternal companion. Things like avoiding going to the temple because it puts him to sleep, or not being able to watch an entire session of General Conference without flipping channels to check the score on the football game.

Remember my job-turning-down incident of the last post? I've started to look at that experience like I look at dating. There were a lot of really great things about that job: great hours, great benefits, etc., but at the end of the day, the pay was just not enough. The compensation would not be enough to sustain me in the matter to which I (and all people who like to live in health and safety) have become accustomed. Having nights and weekends off would not make me feel any safer if I had to live in a seedy neighborhood. Prescription coverage wouldn't do me much good against the cockroaches and marijuana fumes I would be at risk of enduring in a sub-par apartment complex. No extras can make up for the basic essentials a person needs to live in safety.

So it is with dating. I could find a man that is absolutely smoking hot. He could have advanced degrees and a gorgeous singing voice. He could be the kindest, funniest man in the world. He might have even served a mission and attends church every week. But what if he goes for weeks without even thinking about cracking his scriptures open? What if he hasn't gone to the temple in years? What if he spends his nights watching R-rated movies and telling crude jokes with foul language? These are things that will not sustain a relationship at the level of spirituality that I have spent an entire life working to get to.  I need to date someone who will be an example to me, who makes me want to be a better person. I need to marry someone who will help me raise our children to be strong because of our example, not in spite of it. It's kind of important to me.

I guess what it boils down to is that there are requirements and there are bonuses. They pretty much consist of what I've already discussed. Of course, there's also personality compatibility, and he should probably be roughly 23-30 years of age, but the really serious things are way more important. It's like that object lesson they give in Young Women's. They give you a piece of cake, or whatever, and talk about how delicious it is. Oh, except there's one ingredient that you might not like: dog poop. Clearly, that's not something that you want to be eating. But what if the cake has an ingredient that may sound a little unusual, but not detrimental to your health...like sour cream. When I first heard of baking recipes that included sour cream, I was sufficiently weirded out, but it actually makes a difference for the better in the finished (and delicious) product.

So to sum up: don't settle for the shady side of town, put sour cream in your cookies.

"Because thou hast done this thing...I will bless thee."

I recently had an interesting experience with personal revelation. I've been looking for a new job, and finally came to the realization that I might have better luck if I headed to the larger market of the Salt Lake area. As I was pondering this (and thinking about how much I don't really want to live right in Salt Lake City), I thought to myself, "I really just want to live in some random small town...like Herriman". This thought surprised me because I really didn't know much about Herriman besides that it existed. I tried to dismiss it, but it wouldn't leave my head. All day at work, the name bounced around my head: Herriman, Herriman, Herriman. I happened to be going to the temple that day, and again during the session it was on my mind: Herriman, Herriman, Herriman. I felt very strongly that the Lord wanted me to move to Herriman. I shared the experience with my family members and close friends, and they supported me.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and I had a phone interview with a credit union that has a branch down in Herriman. At the end of the interview, the HR woman told me she was referring me for a position in their corporate office in Ogden. I thought that maybe this was the reason for the Herriman impression, since this position had yet to be posted anywhere. The next day I had an interview in Ogden, which went really well. The job sounded amazing; it was something I knew I could do well, and the company offered great benefits. There was just one hitch in the deal: the hourly wage was only $8.50, and it sounded like there wasn't really any chance of regular raises. I left the interview confused, wondering if I could even survive in Ogden with such low compensation.

I tried to keep my hopes up as I went to drive by a couple of apartment possibilities, but they were all in various stages of disrepair, located in shady areas of town. With my stomach intertwined in several knots, I finally admitted to myself that I would have to turn down the job I had just interviewed for, if they decided to offer it to me. The knot in my stomach immediately went away, and when the job was offered to me the next morning, I told the HR woman that it simply was not enough money and that I was unable to accept the position. I was a little bummed, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

So what does this all mean? Why on earth would I have such a strong impression to move to a random city, only to end up turning down the job that the impression led me to? While I don't want to draw any solid conclusions (because I never know where my life will go), I have to consider the possibility that I've had what I like to call an Abraham and Isaac situation. When the Lord told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, he had no intention of letting that happen, but Abraham didn't know that. Abraham's faith in the Lord was such that he was willing to sacrifice the son he had waited a long, long time for. At the last minute, God intervened to save Isaac's life and Abraham passed the test.

I truly believe that God tests us; he exercises our spiritual muscles to see if we will listen to the Spirit. There are a lot of instances when I saw the direct results of following the Spirit, but there have been many times that I followed a prompting, having no idea what the outcome would be, and sometimes I never do find out. Just as a runner trains for a race, we train for those moments in our lives when failure to listen to the Holy Ghost can mean serious consequences.

Looking back at Abraham and Isaac... I always like to read about what happens after the main portion of the story. After Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac is halted, the Lord provides a ram for Abraham's sacrifice, and, in later verses, the Lord bestows blessings on Abraham. (This is in Genesis 22, if anyone wants to read it.) The Lord always blesses those who listen to the Spirit and act upon those promptings. It may not always be in the next verse, or even the next chapter, but I am confident that the Lord will bless me when He sees fit.

*Post title comes from verses 16 and 17 in Genesis 22.

Shall We Not Go On?

This post was not supposed to be the first post for this blog. I have an entirely different post, nearly complete, saved and waiting in the rafters. I don't even know that I planned for this to be the second post. It was just an idea that came to me after watching the new Joseph Smith movie with a friend of mine.

I honestly can't remember if this scripture was quoted in the film, but one of the scriptures I think of when I think of Joseph Smith is Doctrine and Covenants, Section 128, verse 22. It begins: "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward..."  The scripture is in reference to gospel matters, which was the original inspiration for this post. Joseph Smith, as well as many others, went through unspeakable trials to bring this gospel to the earth. So many things happened, yet the call was simple: shall we not go on in so great a cause? There is no logical alternative. The gospel is true: it is the great cause that we are all involved in as members of the church. What on earth could persuade us to not go on?

But life is hard. Right now, a number of my closest friends are enduring trials that are heartbreaking to me as a mere bystander. I cannot even fathom that pain that comes from trials such as these. The world would expect these dear sisters to sit down on the side of the road and give up, to let the world just pass them by for at least a little while. Instead, I have been deeply inspired by the faith that my friends have shown. I know that they have shed tears, but each of them have been quick to mention the comfort and peace that comes to them from the gospel of Jesus Christ. Whether it's the ability to attend the temple, the testimony of the Plan of Salvation, or the ability to communicate with our Father through prayer, I have seen and felt the Spirit at work in the lives of my friends.

I know that life is a journey, but isn't that exactly what's implied in the scripture? Go forward and not backward. Behind us lay the trials and fears of yesterday; ahead lies the promise of healing and the hope of eternal life.  I hope my friends don't mind my mentioning of the struggles in their lives; I only do it because I am so honored to be their friends and hope that others can be inspired by their strength and faith.

Shall we not go on? How can we do anything but? Some days are gut-wrenchingly hard, and all we want to do is stay in bed and not do a thing, but that's not helping us any. Getting out of bed and facing the day, each day, is the first step in going forward, not backward. It is my prayer that we may all keep this simple challenge in our minds when things seem hard, because there's always something more just ahead.